Struggling

I am struggling both mentally and physically.

Mentally:

As I sit here at my desk... I am struggling with how I should be spending this time. Normally, I would be writing in my journal and then reading my devotionals and writing in my Scripture Journal. BUT... I am also thinking about the other things that I need to do or want to do. 

• PAINTING: I want to work on the oil pastel drawing/painting for Theresa. I did a partial draft last night just to see how it would work and "look" and it was fun, but I'm glad I did a draft because it is a little tricky! Here's the draft photo:

By the way.. I just learned that I can attach photos here through my Google Photos!! Definitely saves me a step or two!

• POSHMARK: I want to and NEED to work on my Poshmark. I have quite a few things to list and I keep putting it off. Sales have been slower this month and I haven't been as active on the app. That's probably why sales are going slower.
• CHORES: My house is a wreck! I just keep ignoring it. But, I can't and shouldn't. I feel overwhelmed with it. It's so cluttered. I NEED to do a HUGE purge!! But... that takes time and motivation. 

Physically:

• HIP PAIN: I am struggling with hip pain. I'm doing better today, but this week has not been fun. I have felt crippled. We went camping last weekend, which was fun.. but, I basically FELL OUT OF THE CAMPER on Thursday evening! I was taking Levi out on his leash and the leash was locked and he jumped out of the camper and took me with him!! I didn't hurt too bad after the fall and the few days after, but... since we have been home, I have had LOTS of pain! I was already having pain before we went camping, but the fall made it worse.
• KNEE PAIN: My left knee is also bothering me more. A year ago or so, I was bending down to put something away in one of our cabinets in the camper and I felt something POP on the outside of my left knee!! It hurt like HELL too!! I've been having on & off problems with it ever since. 
• X-RAYS: I went to see my doctor on Tuesday and had x-rays done of my hips and pelvis area to make sure there were no breaks. Thankfully, there are none. She gave me a prescription for a strong anti-inflammatory and it seems to be helping my RIGHT hip, which I think was/is a pulled muscle. ( I think the left hip is bone related ) 
• ORTHOPEDIC APPT: I now have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor on Tuesday 10/20. He is at Hughston Orthopedic Clinic where my daughter works. (I hope I get to see her while I am there)

I guess I am just really down. I feel like a failure, which is something that I am working on with my therapist. I want so badly to feel better and be healthy again!! I miss it. 

My son-n-law called me yesterday and said that he was thinking about taking my 4  year old granddaughter to either the zoo or the aquarium this weekend and wanted to know if we would like to go with them. My first thought was YES!!! I would love to! But, then... reality sunk in and I don't think I can walk that much right now. 

Ok... now the tears are flowing. :( 

I wish that I felt comfortable talking to David about all of this. But, I don't. I already feel like he's judging me. (More tears) 

I'm Stuck!

I have been an exercise "junkie" for the past week and a half, and I am seeing NO PROGRESS what so ever!!! The number on the scale WILL NOT MOVE!!!  Yes. That was me "yelling" thru my typed words. I am so very frustrated. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that I could drop 5 pounds with no problem. Well, apparently, those days are long over and I am depressed about it.

From what I have read ... and I read a LOT!.... you are supposed to burn more calories than you take in. Well.... right now, I feel like I will have to quit eating all together in order to do that!

Don't worry. I wouldn't be able to do that even if I tried. I honestly don't know how anyone can go without eating! But.... I DO wish that I had that mindset to a degree. I think it would help.

Not losing weight depresses me. And when I feel depressed, I just want to curl up in a blanket and do NOTHING! So, this is how I feel right now. I just want to crawl back into my bed and CRY.

But... I can't and I won't.

I will keep going forward and I will keep trying. I won't give up. Not yet, anyway.

I tried to find a clipart picture of a woman beating the cr*p out of a bathroom scale... but, couldn't find one. I did find this one tho and thought it was good for a laugh!